


This Flat Is To Die For!

by bimothra



Category: Half-Life VR but the AI is Self-Aware - Fandom
Genre: Vampire AU, inspired by WWDITS, just some bros living in a flat, yknow how it is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:09:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26400934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bimothra/pseuds/bimothra
Summary: Gordon Freeman is a normal man, with a normal life, with a friend who wakes up at 6PM, a roommate who keeps asking if he can borrow some blood, Darnold, and their strange, mysterious landlord.
Relationships: Bubby/Dr. Coomer (Half-Life), Tommy Coolatta/Darnold
Comments: 64
Kudos: 262





	1. Clip 1: "Nightlife"

_ A grainy, vintage-looking title sequence slowly leaks onto the screen.  _

THE MSN FILM CLUB PRESENTS

“MODERN LIFE: A LOOK INTO SUPERNATURAL INTEGRATION INTO SOCIETY”

ALL MEMBERS OF THIS PROJECT HAVE BEEN SWORN OR OTHERWISE THREATENED INTO SECRECY

_ Some old music plays, until eventually, it cuts to a spooky-looking house that appears to be just on the outskirts of the neighborhood. A couple of bats fly off of the roof, as an alarm sounds. _

_ It cuts to a young man taking off a blazer, checking the time: 6PM. _

  
  


GORDON: Yep. There goes the alarm.

GORDON: This is usually when Darnold and I get home from work, and when Tommy and… our  _ other  _ roommate get up. 

_ He grimaces. _

CAMERAMAN: So what made you decide to room with these… people?

GORDON: Well, it’s cheap, first of all. 

_ Cut to Gordon, having taken off his blazer, preparing to wash the dishes, ignoring the red splatter on the wall. _

GORDON: Second, I met Tommy through work. See, he’s a regular at the library I work at, and he joined as a volunteer recently! He’d always talk to me about the kids he gets to read to, then he started inviting me over for coffee, next thing I know I’m signing a rent agreement. 

GORDON: Y’know, I think- I think flat living is very, uh, rewarding. You get to form a real bond with your roommates. 

GORDON: Speaking of which, I have to wake up Tommy.

_ The camera shifts quickly as Gordon climbs up the stairs. _

GORDON: TOMMYYYYYY! IT’S 6PM! YOU ASKED ME TO WAKE YOU UP, REMEMBER?

_ Gordon knocks on the door, and some growling can be heard from the other side.  _

_ A man in a fluffy coat opens the door, hanging upside-down. He quickly falls down, standing rightside up and pretending like nothing happened.  _

TOMMY: Morning, Mr.- Mr. Freeman!

GORDON: Still- still evening, buddy. 

TOMMY: Right! Sorry… I mix them up so often, you know me… Heh… 

GORDON: Anyways, we’ve got a flat meeting today. Just letting you know. 

TOMMY: Of course I know that, Mr. Freeman! I plan these!

TOMMY: Can you get my dad, too?

_ Gordon groans, turning back to the camera to whisper.  _

GORDON: His dad’s our landlord.

GORDON: He’s also OLD and CREEPY.

TOMMY: Gordon…

GORDON: Okay, okay, fine.

_ As Gordon goes downstairs, the camera focuses in on Tommy. _

TOMMY: So! We’re vampires. 

TOMMY: I mean, Benrey and I are vampires. Darnold’s just my boyfriend, and Mr. Freeman’s…

TOMMY: Well, we- we needed a fourth flatmate. 

TOMMY: It’s been… interesting, living with two mortals. …I mean, I think Darnold’s a mortal. 

TOMMY: We have to be a lot more careful around- around Mr. Freeman. I don’t wanna freak him out too much.

_ Tommy sighs, his fangs showing. _

TOMMY: Benrey just uses vampire magic to do everything.

TOMMY: He’s very bad at blending in. 

_ The camera cuts to Gordon, climbing down into the wine cellar. _

GORDON: Mr…. Mr. Coolaaaaaattaaaa…! It’s time to get uuup…! I know you’re a groggy guy, but I brought, uh- I brought some raw meeeeat! 

_ He goes to the coffin-like object in the corner, sliding it open slightly and smiling nervously at the sleeping man inside, whose eyes slowly flutter open. _

_ The man blinks, and suddenly HE’S holding the raw meat! _

_...And now it’s gone! And his mouth is quite bloody! _

G-MAN: Good evening…. Misster Freeman.

G-MAN: You’re looking especially delicious today.

G-MAN: I mean…  _ delightful. _

GORDON: R-right… Tommy’s having a flat meeting soon. 

G-MAN: Excellent. 

G-MAN: I will… join you in a minute. 

_ The G-Man turns to the camera, wiping some blood off his mouth.  _

G-MAN: I own this… flat, of course. Supernatural housing is a very… lucrative business.

G-MAN: Usually, most super-natural creaturesss… they enjoy being among similar company.

G-MAN: Most… creatures. 

G-MAN: My son is… an extrovert.

G-MAN: And he says I am… not allowed to eat the human. 

G-MAN: None of us are, so… as the… land-lord, please tell me if you see Ben-rey… Trying to do that.

G-MAN: He’s such a…. rascal.

_ The G-Man makes his way upstairs, and the architecture of the house still appears… distinctly vampiric. Stuff that was very in-style centuries ago, and a few neon beakers here and there. _

_ The other flat members start convening… Almost all of them. _

TOMMY: Good morning, Darnold! 

DARNOLD: Evening, Tommy. What’s the look for tonight?

_ Tommy shows off his outfit- a lovely fur coat! ...Unfortunately, the only undershirts he has are very… Victorian-esque. _

TOMMY: I call this one… 1800s chic!

_ He sighs. _

TOMMY: I need new clothes.

G-MAN: You could alwaysssss….. Ssssteal them, from a few….  _ Hapless  _ victimsssss…

TOMMY: D-Dad! You know I’m on a new- new no-human diet!

TOMMY: That’s why I called this flat meeting actually… To um, talk about… guests… in the flat…

_ He looks at Gordon nervously.  _

GORDON: Oh, yeah! So, we usually have these flat meetings every now and again to- 

_ Gordon gets interrupted by someone floating into the kitchen, cape billowing behind him. Tommy and the G-man roll their eyes. _

BENREY: creatures of the niiiiiight, we have assembleeddddddd…. buh buh…. Spoooooky…

TOMMY: Benrey, the cameras are rolling….

BENREY: yeah. 

_ The camera cuts to Benrey, sitting very gayly in a chair. His decorum is painfully vampirelike, and if he stepped even a foot into the public, anyone would assume he was celebrating Halloween early.  _

BENREY: yeah, i’m a, uh- i’ve been a vampire for a while now. kinda the baby of the group though. only 320. 

BENREY: yeah i uh, i was goin’ to this oldish castle. gonna ask the guy there for some id. some passport. castle’s VERY suspicious. But i get to this guy, and the dude is- he’s all in the cape and shit, hair all slicky, super dope. super dope. so anyways, the guy bites me, like you do. and he’s all ‘buuuuuh you’re vampire now, bluh bluh’. ‘n that was mr. c. and he’s my landlord now. which is a funny thing.

_ Benrey grins. The camera cuts to Gordon at home, shelving some books, as Benrey is rolling up Gordon’s sleeves and dusting off his free arm. _

BENREY: love our new roommate. i don’t even gotta go hunting for people that much anymore. i mean, sure, the tradition is like, ‘OHHH I’M BIG SPOOKY VAMPIRE, GONNA- GONNA KILL PEOPLE’ but man! just a peck on the arm’s enough. don’t gotta make a fuss.

BENREY: tommy gets on my case about it. But i clean up after myself so it’s fine. 

_ The flashback continues with Gordon looking down at Benrey in confusion as Benrey bites into his arm, Benrey giving him a confusing thumbs-up. _

_ The scene cuts back to the present, where everyone is awkwardly staring at Benrey.  _

TOMMY: Um, so, about the- the guests. 

TOMMY: The, um… Uh.

TOMMY:  _ I don’t know how to say this with Gordon around, Darnold… _

DARNOLD: Here, I’ll-

BENREY: no it’s ok bro relax. i got it. 

BENREY: heyyy, gordon… you wanna go get us some food maybe?

GORDON: Dude! Why is it always ME who needs to get the food?! Every time, y’know, I ask, “why doesn’t Mr. Coolatta do it for once?” Or, I don’t know, maybe YOU do it, Benrey! Since you always say you’re hungry around me! Jeez!

_ The entire time Gordon’s rambling, he’s been walking away into the kitchen. _

TOMMY: Oh, good! As… As I was saying.

TOMMY: You two need to stop killing people in the living room. That one has the nice carpet. Do it in- in the rumpus room! That’s why the carpet in there’s RED! This is simple stuff!

TOMMY: The carpet cleaner’s starting to suspect my tomato farming story! 

_ Benrey floats around the room, yawning as he adjusts his fancy earrings.  _

BENREY: but my victims LIKE the living room, man. they dig it. they dig it and my sexy vampire vibes.

TOMMY: But the rumpus room-

BENREY: s’ not the SAAAAME, man. 

G-MAN: Then…. MAKE it the same, Ben-rey. You can decorate, no…?

BENREY: don’t wannaaaaaa. 

DARNOLD: Tommy, if you had a problem with carpets, you should have just mentioned it! I have a carpet cleaning potion in the works! 

_ The camera cuts away to Darnold, standing next to a chore wheel. _

DARNOLD: Hey. I’m Darnold. 

CAMERAMAN: So, are you some kind of…?

DARNOLD: I’m Darnold!

DARNOLD: I started dating Tommy a while ago. He had quite the impressive vintage soda bottle collection, and I was smitten immediately. 

DARNOLD: Living with vampires has been… a little strange, to say the least. But I’ve earned their respect! I’ve also invented a body wash that makes your human-stench unappealing to vampires, so Mr. Coolatta and Benrey don’t get… tempted.

DARNOLD: They’re all quite old, so they- they don’t really know much of the outside world.

DARNOLD: So it’s nice to teach them! I teach them about Bop-It, and they teach me about the best blood banks to steal from. 

DARNOLD: My life’s very exciting. 

_ The camera cuts back to the flat meeting.  _

TOMMY: Okay, any other vampire-related concerns before Gordon comes back?

_ Benrey raises his hand. _

TOMMY: That don’t involve asking if you can eat Gordon?

_ Benrey lowers his hand.  _

G-MAN: Can we do something… fun tonight?

TOMMY: Y’know what? Sure. Fun night. Right, guys…?

BENREY: YEEEEEAH FUN NIIIIIGHT

_ Gordon comes back, holding a plate of cheese and crackers. _

GORDON: Hey, what’d I miss?

_ Benrey drops to the ground, grabbing some food. He also makes a grabby motion for Gordon’s arm, but Tommy gives him a stern look. _

DARNOLD: Nothing! I just wanna say chore duty before we split. 

DARNOLD: Benrey, you’re on vacuum duty. Mr. Coolatta’s on dishes. Tommy, you do laundry, and Gordon, you’re on dusting duty. I’ll work on cleaning the carpets.

GORDON: Man, I can’t believe I missed the meeting again… 

TOMMY: It’s okay, Mr- Mr. Freeman. We’re gonna do some fun stuff tonight! Isn’t that exciting?

GORDON: Oh, hell yes! I’m gonna pick out a cool outfit. 

BENREY: oh, lemme help? benrey help please? Pleeease?

_ The camera cuts to Gordon, standing uncomfortably next to a model of a skeleton. _

GORDON: Benrey is… he’s  _ weird.  _

GORDON: He dresses like he’s from some creepy old castle, he’s so pale… He’s got these really pretty red eyes, but Tommy says they’re contacts… He hangs upside-down, for God’s sakes!

GORDON: ...Man, what a weird human. Ha.

_ The group nods, and it transitions to the gang getting ready for a night on the town.  _

_ Benrey drags Gordon out in a goth outfit. Tommy shakes his head. Gordon walks out in a top hat. Darnold winces.  _

_ Eventually, Benrey gets trapped behind a baby gate, and he frowns, waiting for Gordon to finish.  _

_ The group poses in front of their main foyer, Darnold wearing something more akin to a mad scientist’s getup, G-Man wearing something ridiculously mismatched and gaudy, Benrey somehow looking even more obviously-vampire than before, Gordon wearing a run-of-the-mill turtleneck, and Tommy being the only one who’s remotely normal. _

G-MAN: It’s time to show you all how to have fun… vampire-style.

_ The group is walking (aside from Benrey, who’s floating) down a city street, looking for a night of fun.  _

BENREY: broooo, why you gotta wear a turtleneck? you got a nice neck, man. good. fleshy. full of blood. 

GORDON: You… say the weirdest shit sometimes. 

TOMMY: Dad says the- the supernatural cafe’s open tonight.

GORDON: Actually, I know a really good arcade that does nighttime deals!

TOMMY: Woah… arcade?

GORDON: Yeah! You know those, right, Darnold?

DARNOLD: I never thought these guys would be into that… Wanna give it a shot?

GORDON: C’mon, step outside your comfort zones a little! It’s gonna be great. There’s video games, all sorts of stuff. It’s right past the block!

_ Gordon runs ahead, and Darnold takes the chance to explain to the group. _

DARNOLD: Video games are things you play, like- like board games except on these neat things called computers. 

ALL: Oooooooooooh… 

DARNOLD: Here. C’mon. I’ll invite you guys in for ya.

_ The camera cuts to Gordon, standing at the arcade’s concession stand.  _

GORDON: Y’know, I just thought this might be the first step to letting loose a little! Everyone seems so uptight in this house. Kinda like… Victorian LARPers or something. Tommy says they’re just ‘old-fashioned’, but… They don’t know about a lot of stuff…

GORDON: Like, really, really mainstream stuff. 

GORDON: That’s… that’s normal. They’re normal. 

GORDON: Yeah. 

_ Pan over to Benrey, who’s guzzling from the popcorn butter machine. _

BENREY: DAAAAAMN. THIS SHIT BETTER THAN BLOOD. OOGH. BUGH. 

TOMMY: Benrey, be- be careful! Popcorn sticks to your teeth!

_ Benrey looks up, mouth dribbling with butter and two popcorn pieces stuck on his fangs. _

BENREY: huh?

G-MAN: Sssssso… What is this… centi-peeede….?

GORDON: So you shoot at this big centipede, right? And you gotta destroy all his parts.

G-MAN: Interesting…

_ Darnold’s talking to the arcade employee. _

DARNOLD: Yeah, we, uh- we just got back from a ren faire. Totally normal stuff. 

_ He turns back to the camera, smiling. _

DARNOLD: Gordon’s a real peculiar addition to the flat. For Tommy’s sake, I kinda wanna just… spill it all, you know? He’s always walking on eggshells, cos Gordon’s his friend, and he doesn’t wanna involve Gordon in all this strange… vampire stuff.

DARNOLD: But it’s really not that bad.

DARNOLD: And, y’know…

_ He looks behind him, and the camera focuses on Benrey talking to Gordon, telling him to take the turtleneck off maybe.  _

DARNOLD: I’m starting to think if we don’t tell him, Benrey’s gonna get a little too confident. 

_ Tommy comes back with more popcorn, and Benrey shoves Gordon to the side abruptly, grinning nervously. _

_ There’s a similar montage of the gang just having fun at an arcade, including some confused stares by onlookers.  _

_ The camera cuts back to Gordon, who appears to have a new bandage on his arm. _

GORDON: They may be weird, but… I love my flat. I really do. 

GORDON: Wouldn’t exchange them for the world. 


	2. Clip 2: "Werewolves"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The vampires come across an old enemy.

GORDON: Guys, it’s- it’s almost 2AM… Think we should call it a night? 

_ The camera cuts to Tommy, who’s standing under a streetlight. _

TOMMY: So we, uh, we vampires have this thing we call ‘second nightlife’. First nightlife is when all the humans come with us, and then- then they go to bed, because, y’know… they’re humans.

_ Flashback to Benrey, Tommy and G-man heckling some hapless victims on the road as Benrey cranks a portable record player.  _

TOMMY: I worry we- we sometimes come off a little… strong? To people? My dad and Benrey, they’re… 

TOMMY: Very old-fashioned. 

_ Cut to G-man, adjusting his hair and smiling at the camera. _

G-MAN: When you are a vampire, you become very… sexy. 

_ The camera focuses back on the group, who are walking the humans home. They come across another group of people who shouldn’t look this awake in the dead of night. Benrey hisses immediately, shoving past the others. _

BENREY: ohh, fuckin’... look at the BIG DOGS over here. standin’ around and shit. you wanna stand here, **buddy** ? you got standing clearance?

GORDON: Woah woah woah- chill, man! They’re LITERALLY just standing there.

_ Someone shoves to the front of the new group- a tall man with ripped everything, a beret, and a haircut that… was supposed to be an undercut, but it seems to grow too fast to be manageable.  _

FORZEN: yeah, you got a problem with standing, BENREY?

_ Benrey flies up to be eye-level with Forzen, and they growl at eachother. _

_ Cut to Benrey scowling at the camera. _

BENREY: forzen used to be my familiar. 

BENREY: i dunno if you know what a familiar is, but it’s like, a human servant who totally does all my chores for me cos i promise i’ll turn em into a vampire. ‘s great for both of us. seal- real win-win. 

BENREY: y’know. until forzen got himself bitten by a werewolf.

BENREY: he says it was an accident, but maybe if he wasn’t so SUCKS then he’d be able to be COOL EPIC VAMPIRE. and not TERRIBLE SMELLY DOG. 

_ Cut back to Benrey and Forzen, who are still hissing at eachother. _

TOMMY: Guys, guys! Let’s not- let’s not make a scene…  _ especially in front of Gordon…  _

BENREY: can’t help it. ugly dog smell’s too strong. irritates my epic senses.

FORZEN: we DON’T smell. that’s just a rumour started by you vampire idiots.

BENREY: you do smell. you smell like- like ugly.

FORZEN: UGLY IS NOT A SMELL. 

TOMMY: Relax! Okay, so the werewolves do have a musk, but it’s not ugly… there. Can we calm down now? 

BENREY: mutt. 

FORZEN: wimp. 

_ The camera cuts to Forzen, who’s tossing a frisbee up and down as the rest of the werewolves look on in excitement.  _

FORZEN: i’m forzen. i’m the alpha of teams… nice. this here’s my pack. 

FORZEN: i got bitten a while back, when i was uh, out doing some clothes shopping for benrey. i took the shortcut through some bushes and. there they were.

FORZEN: but we’re all bros now. i showed them how to play beyblades.

_ Flashback to the pack at Forzen’s house. _

FORZEN: bein’ a werewolf, it’s- y’know, people think it’s not as much of a change as being a vampire. that you get one day of weirdness and that’s it. but that’s not really it at all.

_ A truck zooms by and the entire group runs to the window, yelling at it. _

FORZEN: apparently we have a musk? but only vamps and other creatures can smell it. 

FORZEN: at least we can go out during the day. OOOOH. burn. 

_ The scene returns to normal… well, as normal as a group of vampires can be. Tommy is dangling in the air, as Benrey is flying around Forzen, taunting him as he dangles his beret just out of reach.  _

TOMMY: Benreyyyy…! We can’t be doing this in public…!

BENREY: HAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAA, OOH, WHAT’S THE MATTER DOG-BOY, CAN’T USE YOUR DOG POWERS TO JUMP? IDIOT?? 

FORZEN: THAT’S CHEATING. YOU’RE CHEATING. 

_ Forzen growls, hopping up and down as Tommy shrieks, kicking his legs in midair.  _

_ Darnold looks over at Gordon, who’s smiling and waiting patiently. _

DARNOLD: This- This isn’t  _ strange  _ to you, at all…?

GORDON: I’ve never seen Benrey be this mean. It’s pretty fascinating, actually. 

_ Cut to Darnold, who’s cracking a glow stick and putting it around his arm. _

DARNOLD: Yeah, uh, Tommy likes changing his routine for Gordon, but… Benrey’s not quite as subtle. 

DARNOLD: I bet he’s probably done some kind of hypnosis on Gordon so that the poor guy doesn’t see anything out of the ordinary.

DARNOLD: For Tommy and Benrey, it’s gotta be pretty frustrating, playing tug-of-war over this human.

_ He grins. _

DARNOLD: But for me, it makes for quite the exciting drama.

_ The camera pans back to the werewolves and vampires, who have just erupted into squabbling and barking now.  _

DARNOLD: Maybe I should take you home myself, Gordon… Look! I got glow sticks for us!

_ Darnold hands Gordon an orange glow bracelet with a smile.  _

GORDON: Oh! But what about the others? I mean, are we just gonna leave Benrey to argue like this…? Between you and me, I don’t even know if he can like- Get home. I don’t know if he knows the directions. 

DARNOLD: He’ll be fine. He’s got Tommy and the G-man with him! 

GORDON: Y’know only one of those really make me feel better. 

DARNOLD: ...Well, Tommy’s there. He’s got this.

GORDON: Yeah. Yeah. Tommy’s got it. 

_ Darnold and Gordon walk down the street, Gordon studying his glow bracelet. _

DARNOLD: So the guys should be done in, like… 30 minutes or so? Hopefully. 

DARNOLD: See, this is- this is why you mind your own business. You get into turf wars and whatnot. 

GORDON: God, Benrey WOULD get into turf war shit, wouldn’t he? What, his Victorian society have a rival gang?!

_ Darnold laughs nervously. _

DARNOLD: Yeeeeah… Something like that.

DARNOLD: But, uh, most of the other camera guys should be back with the guys, right? Keep an eye on ‘em.

DARNOLD: It’s fine. Everything’s fine.

_ The camera fades gently to the vampires, only for a pair of bats to fly past, shrieking. _

TOMMY: G-guys!! Waaait!!

TOMMY: Hah- Sorry, they- the werewolves stole Benrey’s favourite amulet…

TOMMY: They should know better than to have a night out so close to a full moon… Jeez… 

_ The cameraman dashes off, trying to keep up with Tommy, and they can just barely see Forzen whooping and howling, holding a majestic red amulet above his head. _

FORZEN: I’M GONNA CUSTOMIZE THIS INTO A BEYBLADE!! AWOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

BENREY: [ANGRY SQUEAKING] 

G-MAN: [Disappointed fatherly squeaking]

FORZEN: -woah woah. toby. toby. careful with the pants. those are your moon pants. you need those intact.

TOBY: Right. Sorry, mate.

TOMMY: UH, MR.- MR. FORZEN SIR, PLEASE- PLEASE CAN YOU GIVE US THE AMULET BACK PLEASE?? 

FORZEN: LET IT RRRRRRRRRRRIP!! 

_ Tommy sighs, as he stops running and starts floating. The two bats follow him as he takes a shortcut through an alleyway. The cameramen continue to follow Forzen, seemingly forgetting who the documentary is about. Everyone comes to a stop as Tommy hisses, his two companions changing back from bats and cornering them.  _

_ Benrey sticks his arm out, eyes flashing in the dark. _

BENREY: ooooooh you wanna gimme my amulet back soooo baaad. 

FORZEN: fuck off, i’m not gonna-

BENREY: woooooh dummy idiot little wolfy-man give benny amulet please? please sir? please?

_ Forzen silently sticks out his hand with the amulet, and Benrey grabs it smugly- only for Forzen to do the dog thing where they just don’t let go of shit.  _

BENREY: y- gimme. let go. 

FORZEN: i am. here. take it.

BENREY: no, you’re- you’re holding it.

FORZEN: no it’s fine just take it.

BENREY: well i CAN’T, you’re HOLDING it. 

FORZEN: just TAKE it-

_ Tommy sighs, grabbing the amulet and handing it back to Benrey, who indignantly puts it back on his brooch, it shimmering brilliantly. _

BENREY: now FUCK OFF, bro.

FORZEN: this isn’t over, bat-face.

BENREY: next time we meet i’m gonna get your ass so bad-

G-MAN: Benrey, that is ENOUGH. We depart. 

BENREY: ughhhh FINEEEEEEE.

_ The group turns into bats, aside from Tommy, who just offers an apologetic smile and turns the corner.  _

TOMMY: Oh, man… That chase took us to a part of the city that we really don’t know… Stay- stay close, guys… 

_ Benrey turns back into a human, floating eye-level with Tommy for no real reason. They look around- it’s a larger district than usual. _

BENREY: woah woah woah stop stop stop. tommyyyyy. check it. 

TOMMY: What? What is it…? 

_ Benrey points to a flyer. _

_ “Moonlit Party: By invitation only. Bring your favourite alive human and hang with high-society night-frequenters!”  _

BENREY: that wording’s too weird. that’s vamp lingo. 

BENREY: can i take gordon to a party pleeeeeeeeeease?? please tommy you gotta let meeeeee i wanna gooooooooooo

_ Benrey grabs Tommy’s coat, shaking him back and forth.  _

TOMMY: Benrey, you- What are you trying to do…? You’re not going to TURN him, are you…?

BENREY: nooo, man, he’s- gordon’s my friend and also my main food source. bros don’t turn bros if they don’t wanna.

BENREY: but they do give eachother little blood pick-me-ups. that’s fine. 

TOMMY: That’s- Benrey, that’s not normal. 

BENREY: nah man it’s fine. 

TOMMY: I dunno… It- Dad, what do you think…?

_ The G-man smiles not-so-innocently, adjusting his cape. _

G-MAN: I believe Mr. Freeman and Ben-rey attending this party is… an  _ eeexcellent  _ idea.

TOMMY: See, Benrey? Terrible idea- whaaaat?

G-MAN: Tommy, you know how… fond, Ben-rey is, of our friend… Misssssster Freeman… 

G-MAN: He means well. 

TOMMY: But I’ve put in all this work to make sure Mr. Freeman doesn’t get invooooolved… 

BENREY: it’s cool man i can just use sexy vampire powers. 

G-MAN: It’s settled, then! 

G-MAN: The party… awaits. 

G-MAN: Tommy, can you… Can you make arrangements to see that Mr. Freeman is… delivered here?

_ Tommy sighs.  _

TOMMY: Why am I the only sane one here… 

_ He pulls out a cell phone. _

TOMMY: Yeah, hi honey, I’m really sorry about this… Could you meet me at the corner of fifth and main…? And bring Mr. Freeman…? Then we can head home together… 

TOMMY: Okay. I love you. Thanks. Bye. 

TOMMY: He’ll be over in a- a few. 

G-MAN: Excellent! I shall take… as you call it… a ‘breather’. 

_ G-man turns into a bat and flies off into the night. _

BENREY: oooh, i’m so excited… benny and feetman, epic VAMPIRE PARTY…. for VAMPIRES… and HUMANS…. 

TOMMY: Keep him SAFE, okay? Or I’ll- I’ll never forgive you!

BENREY: fiiiine. he’s under my protection, okay? 

TOMMY: Okay.

BENREY: okay. 

TOMMY: Okay! 

_ Darnold and Gordon come from around the corner. Him and Tommy hug.  _

GORDON: So! Uh, Benrey! I hear you wanted to go to a, uh, party…? 

_ Benrey grins, his eyes flashing red as he flies towards Gordon and grabs his jacket. _

BENREY: YEEEEEAH c’mon bro you know you wanna.

GORDON: Ugh, you are SO weird… 

_ Benrey’s ears droop, and he makes a sad puppy face. _

BENREY: c’mooooon, man! you always say i’m so weird, benrey’s so weird, weird weird, but you never make the effort to understaaaand… 

BENREY: please. party in the dark with me. pretty please. 

GORDON: ...Okay, fine. 

GORDON: You better not be roping me into some DND shit. 

BENREY: pinky promise.

_ He smiles, fangs flashing.  _

_ He extends his arm, and Gordon takes it curiously, the two of them heading off to the venue. _

_ Tommy sighs. _

DARNOLD: Brought you a soda.

TOMMY: Thanks. 

_ Tommy takes it in his hands, tilts it horizontally, and bites into it like a vampire would.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you tell i have no idea what im doing? i have no idea what im doing. wee!


	3. Clip 3: "Party"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon, Benrey, and one more guest attend a vampire party.

_ The music swells to a vaguely Balkan-esque beat, showing off the group of vampires, most of them modern-looking, but a few looking just as… erratic as Benrey.  _

BENREY: so, this is… vampire party.

_ He smiles, the camera zooming out as he strikes a pose next to Gordon, who’s grinning awkwardly. _

GORDON: Hey, Benreyyy… These guys, like, are they- what’s up with them? Did Halloween come early or something- 

_ Benrey swears under his breath. He waves his arms in front of Gordon’s face as his eyes flash red. _

BENREY: no, this is- this is normal. we’re all cool here. you don’t think it’s normal? kinda weird of you.

GORDON: Yeah, right… This is normal… 

BENREY: we cool.

GORDON: We- we cool.

_ Benrey smiles, flashing a dorky thumbs-up to the camera.  _

GORDON: So, you wanted to bring me to this totally lackluster party… why?

BENREY: uhh so you can meet my bros. like my friend of josh and- and jefferem. 

BENREY: ‘mean, they’re probably at this party.

BENREY: yooo, josh? jefferem? you guys here?

BENREY: c’mon, let’s go exploring, bro.

_ Benrey takes Gordon by the hand and they go deeper into the party. _

BENREY: so that over there, that’s amabel the terrifying, there’s count sanctius and his spouse uh, ariana the biter. and- OH! JOSH! 

JOSH: Benrey… I was not aware you had a familiar. 

BENREY: oh i don’t?

JOSH: Then… What is  _ that?  _ A snack??

BENREY: no, this is- this is gordon. my bro. 

JOSH: So we aren’t eating him.

BENREY: no.

JOSH: Not even a little. 

BENREY: not in the slightest.

JOSH: Not even-

BENREY:  _ hisssssssssss  _

JOSH: Noted. 

GORDON: Hey, uh, Josh… Nice to meet you…

_ The camera cuts to Gordon, sitting near a vampire who’s eyeing his neck hungrily.  _

GORDON: I know Benrey says everything’s normal and I believe him totally, but I just- heh- never expected so many people shared his crazy fashion sense.

_ He looks over to the vampire, who’s tugging at his shirt collar. _

GORDON: Hello. 

_ The camera cuts back to Benrey, who’s talking to a mortal.  _

BENREY: so what kinda stuff you do for fun, man?

MORTAL: Oh, uh, not much. I, uh, I’ve been busy being a familiar- 

BENREY: aw FUUUCK, bro, i was hungry, i’m sorry… ugh. fuck. 

BENREY: party full of vampires and nobody brought snacks. 

MORTAL: Sorry, man.

MORTAL: I think the rest of the familiars and I brought a- a PS3, if you wanna give it a shot? 

BENREY: pee...esthree??

BENREY: lemme see.

_ As Benrey wanders off, the camera pans over to Gordon, who’s talking to a hungry-looking group of vampires. _

GORDON: You guys look a little young to be partying. Where are your parents?

_ Two teenaged vampires give each other a look.  _

GORDON: ...Okay, no answer. That’s fine. I get nervous around new people too. 

GORDON: Woah, uh, hey buddy, getting a little close there-

GORDON: I’m not into freaky sex stuff, please stop trying to kiss my neck- 

GORDON: And, uh, giving me that… that weird look-

_ The G-man appears behind Gordon, and the other vampires back off. _

G-MAN: Ahh, Mr. Freeman… There you are. 

G-MAN: You musssst be… careful around these parts, Mr. Freeman…

GORDON: What, you think- you think there’s  _ drugs  _ here or something? 

GORDON: -Wait, hold on, what are you even doing here?

G-MAN: I wished to… attend as well.

G-MAN: Come now, Mr. Freeman, let us away… from these hungry mongrels. 

GORDON: Oh. Uh, okay. 

GORDON: This is a weird fucking party. 

_ The camera cuts to G-man, who looks unimpressed. _

G-MAN: Vampire parties never used to be so…  _ dry.  _

_ The camera flashes a few ancient pictures of the G-man. _

G-MAN: In my… hay-day, vampire parties used to be the event of the century! Midnight balls… Blood galas… We would party for ages into the night, drinking as we please… Killing any mortals we saw fit… 

G-MAN: It was wonderful.

G-MAN: These modern vampires are a sham to… our good name.

G-MAN: There are very few… good, true vampires these days… Too much mingling with mortals… too much ‘blending in’. Where is… the  _ class…? _

G-MAN: The DRAMA…?

G-MAN: It’s like, why even become a vampire in the first place, you know…? I get sometimes there are acc-idents, but you might as well… lean into it. 

_ Fade to Benrey, playing video games with the familiars. _

BENREY: this heavenly sword is quite entertaining. 

BENREY: how come nobody told me humans had such sick shit these days, man? back in my day if we wanted to have fun we’d go catch the plague or something.

BENREY: beeeery eeenteresting. 

BENREY: i gotta ask tommy to get me this… station of playing. 

BENREY: the play of station. 

BENREY: i wish the sword wasn’t quite so… holy though.

BENREY: kinda makes me itchy. 

BENREY: humans are- they’re still real stupid. even after all these years. i can just- just get ‘em pretty easily. y’know like BLAAAH. VAMPIRE. 

BENREY: their fashion’s terrible. not enough ruffles.

BENREY: they do stuff in the day- ugh- but if they’ve done one thing right…

BENREY: it’s these… video games.

BENREY: i hereby declare myself ‘a gamer’.

_ Lightning flashes dramatically outside the window, as Benrey grins evilly.  _

_ What have we done?  _

MORTAL: Hey, I don’t mean to pry, but, uh, didn’t you have a guest with you…?

BENREY: gordon will be fine. just lemme finish this level and i’ll check on him.

MORTAL: Okay, man, if you insist…

BENREY: yeah yeah maybe the camera guys can check in on him or something. 

BENREY: BEGONE. 

_ His eyes flash red as he turns towards the camera, and the cameramen nervously back off and try to find Gordon.  _

_ They pass through the party, several vampires waving at them and posing for the camera. Eventually, the cameramen spot Gordon in an offshoot room, talking to another vampire.  _

GORDON: So, hey, not that I- not that I don’t enjoy… being alone in a room with my landlord… but, uh, you wanna- you wanna head back to the party soon, or…?

G-MAN: Mister Freeman. My son is… quite fond of you. 

G-MAN: Far too fond… far too fond. 

G-MAN: I… rather  _ dislike  _ having to walk on eggshells around… a  _ human.  _

G-MAN: Having to hide the pride that is… being a vampire.

GORDON: What was that? I didn’t quite catch that last part.

_ The G-man groans, rubbing his temples. _

G-MAN: Benrey… When I am done killing this human, I am going to have a very strongly-worded conversation with you. 

GORDON: Dude, I’m sorry, you’re- you’re mumbling, I can’t- I mean, you usually mumble a bit, so this is, like- this is double mumbling. Is what you’re doing. 

G-MAN: Silence! Just stand there and let this happen, you stupid,  _ stupid  _ mortal! 

GORDON: ...Yessir. 

_ The cameramen mumble to each other nervously, most likely debating whether to interfere.  _

_ The camera whirls around as they hear yelling. _

BENREY: GORDOOOON. GORDON WHERE ARE YOU IT’S ME YOUR BEST FRIEND BENREEEEY. 

BENREY: COME OUTTTT. 

BENREY: camera-bros! you must’ve found gordon for me, right? okay great. where is he.

_ He looks over at the private room. _

BENREY: oh, fuck. 

BENREY: G-MAN YOU ASSHOLE I CALLED DIBS! 

_ Benrey runs inside the room, only for two bats to fly out, squeaking and hissing at each other.  _

JOSH: Oh! Check it out, everyone! Bat fight! 

ALL: BAT FIGHT! BAT FIGHT! BAT FIGHT! 

_ The camera sneaks over to the private room, watching Gordon lying on the floor groaning. _

GORDON:  _ Uuuuuuugh… _ Gordon want blood… 

_ It focuses back on the bat fight, as a vampire Benrey goes flying. _

BENREY: you dick! don’t you know finders keepers??

G-MAN: Finders keepers doesn’t APPLY to humans living in flats!

BENREY: says who??

G-MAN: Says me! 

BENREY: yeah, you WOULD say that, you HAS-BEEN

_ G-man gasps. _

G-MAN: HAS-BEEN…

G-MAN: You are… no better yourself, you  _ tryhard! _

BENREY: tryhard?!

BENREY: wait… GORDON! 

_ He runs off into the private room. _

G-MAN: Benrey-!

GORDON: Bwuuugh… Benrey, is- is that you…? I think I ate something funny…

BENREY: no dude you are literally bleeding out.

GORDON: Oh, am I?

BENREY: yeah dude it’s bad. 

GORDON: I- Yeah, I didn’t notice.

BENREY: yeah you totally didn’t.

GORDON: Fuck. 

_ Benrey sits near Gordon and props him up. _

BENREY: shh-hh-hh, don’t- don’t talk much okay? let benny take care of it.

GORDON: Yeah, okay- okay. Take care of me, please.

GORDON: You weirdo.

BENREY: shhhhhh.

BENREY: you’re gonna be okay, dude. you’re kinda bleeding to death right now but you’re-

BENREY: actually i gotta get in on this. hold on.

_ Benrey leans into Gordon’s open wound, just going to fucking town. He looks up again, face covered in blood. _

BENREY: ohh yeah. that’s the stuff.

GORDON: Did y- did you just drink my blood....?

BENREY: yeah hold on. your turn next. 

_ He gives himself a small cut, holding his arm out. _

BENREY: heeere you go. order up. first course for gordon.

GORDON: Do you really fucking expect me to-

BENREY: yes!!

BENREY: trust me bro it’ll help you live. 

GORDON: ...Y’know what, I’m too tired to argue. 

_ Now both Benrey and Gordon have blood all over their face- Gordon’s being far darker, a more maroon. They look at each other. _

BENREY: ...dude, wouldn’t it be crazy if we kissed right now? 

GORDON: …

GORDON: What the fuck are you talking about…?

GORDON: We can’t- we can’t kiss, I gotta… Gordon go night-night.

_ Gordon slumps over into Benrey’s arms, and Benrey looks at the camera nervously. _

_ Cut to Benrey, who’s carrying Gordon bridal-style. _

BENREY: so i know tommy told me to keep him out of trouble.

BENREY: but gordon may or may not wake up and be slightly more undead than usual.

BENREY: maybe. 

BENREY: he’s gonna be mad. 

BENREY: um. 

_ He looks down at Gordon, who’s sleeping soundly. _

BENREY: i think i’m gonna have to go hunting again cos- cos the guy i pawn my snacks off is a vampire now.

BENREY: starting to think this party was maybe a bad idea.

_ The G-man appears behind Benrey.  _

G-MAN: So. You turned him.

BENREY: oh not you too. i don’t need two coolattas on my ass-

G-MAN: Well done. 

BENREY: huh?

_ The G-man smiles. _

BENREY: oh.

BENREY: oh, you-

BENREY: so this was all an elaborate plot to turn gordon into a vampire. 

BENREY: that’s, uh- that’s. wow.

G-MAN: I… will not tell, if you will not.

BENREY: right. a vampire at the party did this.

BENREY: those damn sewer rave vampires.

G-MAN: Yes… Sewer rave vampires.

_ The two of them look at the camera, with devious smirks. _

BOTH: No snitching. 

_ Cut to Benrey and the G-man walking home. _

BENREY: this was fun. 

BENREY: i missed just- just being vampires. 

BENREY: you think gordon will enjoy it?

G-MAN: Who wouldn’t? 

BENREY: well i mean he wasn’t really a familiar so he might-

G-MAN: It will be… fine. 

BENREY: can’t wait to show him the ropes. i’m finally not the baby of the hoooouse…

BENREY: well i guess darnold is still younger. but i’m not the baby vampire.

G-MAN: Your first turning! I am… so proud of you.

BENREY: you’re dadding me right now. that’s what you’re doing. 

G-MAN: Noooo…

BENREY: yeah. yeah you totally are.

G-MAN: Certainly not I.

BENREY: uh yes you. absolutely yes you. 

_ The two of them laugh together.  _

BENREY: man. one more vampire bro in the house.

BENREY: i mean humans are FUNNY but gordon never gets any of my vampire jokes. this is gonna be great.

G-MAN: Yes, things are… looking up.

G-MAN: I’m certain Tommy will understand. He may even be happy to have more vampiric peers… for hunting and whatnot.

G-MAN: Although he is on that diet these days…

BENREY: he’s been a meat guy lately. you know how he gets. 

G-MAN: I do… I do.

BENREY: y’think darnold will be mad?

G-MAN: He will probably wish to… plague Mister Freeman with questions, knowing him.

G-MAN: He has always been… the curious type.

BENREY: yeah well i called dibs so he’s gonna have to wait. 

G-MAN: Indeed. 

_ As the two of them walk off, the camera pans back over to the venue. Most of the vampires seem to be content partying on into the night, but the lens slowly zooms onto an old couple who seem to be taking a leisurely stroll. _

BUBBY: And so I said to him, “you’ll taste blood, alright”, and I shoved a stake right into his heart! Ha! 

COOMER: Oh, Bubby, you’re so  _ funny.  _ How DO you come up with this stuff?

BUBBY: Just my natural knack for jokes, dear. 

COOMER: You have a natural knack for just about everything!

BUBBY: Wait, hold on. Stop being charming for a second. We’re here.

COOMER: Ah… HERE-here?

COOMER: How packed is it?

BUBBY: Swarming.

COOMER: Oh, good. It’s been ages since we’ve had a good hunt.

_ Coomer pulls out a silver cross. _

COOMER: You ready?

_ Bubby pulls out a wooden stake.  _

BUBBY: Oh, you know it.

_ They head into the venue triumphantly. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [cue the horrid instrumental music that plays when nick gets turned into a vampire]


	4. Clip 4: "Hunters"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some vampire hunters pick up the trail.

COOMER: Hello! 

BUBBY: Good morning.

COOMER: My name is Dr. Coomer!

BUBBY: Bubby.

BOTH: We’re vampire hunters. 

_ The camera cuts to the two of them holding hands while sorting books, as someone in a black parasol and sunglasses walks in. _

COOMER: Ah! Hello, Gordon!

GORDON: Hey, Dr. Coomer… Bwuh, sorry, I had a- a CRAZY party last night, I think- I think I got a hangover, or- or a cold, or something

GORDON: Least I can rely on my work friends to cheer me up. 

BUBBY: Yes, your work friends… we had a bit of a late night too. 

COOMER: We crashed a party!

GORDON: Huh.

GORDON: Cool. 

_ He starts shelving the books, as the camera shifts back to Coomer and Bubby.  _

COOMER: We met through vampire hunting, of course. My ex-wife was a vampire, the wretch, and Bubby saved me from her grasp! 

BUBBY: Cleaved her through the heart. 

BUBBY: Straight shot. Very nice. 

BUBBY: It just- it just went like this.

_ Bubby mimes stabbing Coomer through the heart.  _

COOMER: Very nice. 

BUBBY: Anyways, we’ve taken residence at this library because we’ve caught word of a… rather large population of supernatural beings here.

COOMER: And, well, lots of disappearances! You know these types tend to spill blood wherever they go. 

COOMER: Which is unpleasant for most people to deal with!

COOMER: But not us. 

_ Flashback to Coomer and Bubby on a lovely date, laughing together as they pour holy water on a den of vampires. _

BUBBY: It’s not a job for everyone. But that’s what makes it special. 

COOMER: We love what we do! And if a few vampires have to die, it’s very sad, but it has to happen!

BUBBY: It’s not that sad. 

COOMER: I suppose it’s not. 

_ The camera cuts to Gordon, who’s sweating up a storm. _

GORDON: I’m so cold, man… Then I get all hot, then I get cold again…

_ Pan to the floor, where Gordon’s hovering slightly.  _

GORDON: I might- I think I’m gonna clock out early today. 

GORDON: This is a monster cold. 

GORDON: Woke up all pale… Felt super gross, and super hungry… 

GORDON: ...You’re looking real- real full of life today. 

_ The cameraman steps back cautiously.  _

GORDON: Yeah. Yeah, uh, okay. You- you step back there.

GORDON: You and your- your neck.

_ Gordon goes quiet for an uncomfortably long time, staring at the camera. _

_ The door opens, the bell going off.  _

TOMMY: Hello, library! And, um… And Gordon…! 

TOMMY: How was the party…?

GORDON: Huh? Oh, it’s- it went good. Went fine. 

_ Cut to Tommy standing near a water fountain. _

TOMMY: I still don’t know anything about the party. 

TOMMY: Benrey’s been- been avoiding my questions about it… And I dunno if I’ll get anything out of Gordon.

TOMMY: And also… His coworkers shouldn’t- shouldn’t hear about the giant vampire party that went on last night. 

_ Cut to Bubby. _

BUBBY: We absolutely know about the giant vampire party that went on last night. 

_ Cut back to Gordon and Tommy. _

TOMMY: So! Uh, did you and Benrey talk much at all…? At the party?

GORDON: He- he asked me to kiss. And I said no. And then he- he, uh, he got- He kinda-

_ Gordon kinda just gestures vaguely to his face. Tommy looks on in confusion. _

TOMMY: Uh-huh… 

TOMMY: Yeah, well… If you feel- feel sick at all, you kinda look sick… Let me know, okay? I’ll take you home.

GORDON: Yeah, maybe… I could really use some alone time right now. In the dark. 

GORDON: Too bright today, y’know? 

TOMMY: O-okay, Mr. Freeman…

_ The camera zooms out, to reveal Bubby and Coomer people-watching at their counter. _

COOMER: We’ve tracked down a residence of vampires recently! Exciting stuff!

BUBBY: After our party-crashing only went… so-so, we’re planning a hunt that’s sure to succeed tonight. 

BUBBY: There’s a bunch of them, all living together. We’ll catch them by surprise. 

COOMER: Yes! It’ll be a lovely night of excitement! Oh, I can hardly wait.

COOMER: Why, it’s become obvious where they live. It’s on TONIGHT! 

BUBBY: Me and my dear are going to see who can get the most. It’s a competition. 

COOMER: A round of friendly fire! Ho-ho! 

BUBBY: I’ve polished my finest stake.

_ The two of them look back at the people-watching, and the camera zooms in onto Tommy and Gordon. _

GORDON: Can we stop somewhere to eat? I’m starving.

TOMMY: Yeah, sure, let’s- let’s just get you home, okay, Mr. Freeman?

GORDON: Yeah. Okay.

GORDON: Hold on, let me just-

_ Gordon opens his umbrella and puts his sunglasses on. _

GORDON: Now let’s go. 

TOMMY: ...Alright, Mr. Freeman. 

_ The two of them walk into the car.  _

TOMMY: So, what food were you thinking?

GORDON: Something fresh.

GORDON: Something hearty… 

GORDON: ...Uh, how about Arby’s?

TOMMY: Arby’s works! 

_ The camera crew watch the two of them drive off, realizing they have no way to follow them.  _

_ Coomer and Bubby walk outside, as the cameras look at them, perhaps in surprise. _

BUBBY: We’re checking out early too. Gotta… follow up for the big hunt.

_ The cameraman mutters something about the library getting left vacant. _

COOMER: Oh, don’t worry, we have our decoy employee at the front desk. 

_ The camera pans over to a mannequin wearing a cheap wig.  _

BUBBY: Nobody suspects a thing.

CUSTOMER: Can I- Can I check out a book, please…?

CUSTOMER: No…?

CUSTOMER: ...Okay.

_ The cameras follow the hunters. _

COOMER: This is what we hunters call power-walking! It’s important to keep in shape when you kill so much.

BUBBY: Also important to find a dry cleaner in the hunters’ association. 

BUBBY: You get a lot of weird looks if you don’t.

COOMER: Oh, yes. People don’t usually react that well to a lot of blood.

COOMER: Most normal people can’t tell the difference between human blood and vampire blood. Bubby, show them- don’t you have some from last night?

_ Bubby lifts his vest up, showing off two different stains.  _

BUBBY: See, this light one is Coomer’s, after we got into a brawl last night with some particularly unpleasant vampires. It’s very light, very human…

BUBBY: And THIS is vampire blood. Very damp. Very maroon. Most vampires say it’s quite bitter. At least, compared to human blood.

COOMER: Not that they’re not both disgusting.

BUBBY: They are both very disgusting. 

COOMER: They are. 

BUBBY: We’ll have to go through that whole blood thing again after tonight’s hunt, but it’s fine. We love what we do. 

COOMER: I’d feel worse about it if those vampires weren’t so smug all the time! 

BUBBY: Well, we’re heading home now… prepping for the hunt.

BUBBY: Perhaps you should go back to filming whoever you were supposed to be filming.

_ The cameramen murmur in embarrassment, slowing down and trying to find the flat again.  _

_ The camera fades, and the flat comes into view again, revealing it’s evening.  _

_ There’s a flat shot of Tommy standing in the front room, and then G-man and Benrey sitting as well. _

TOMMY: Is there anything you two want to tell me?

TOMMY: Maybe- maybe about a certain party last night? 

BENREY: uhh nope.

G-MAN: Not especially. 

TOMMY: Are you  _ certain? _

TOMMY: Because Mr.- Mr. Freeman was very  _ different  _ this morning.

BENREY: no i think he’s fine.

TOMMY: Really. Fine. 

TOMMY: HEY, MR. FREEMAN, CAN YOU COME HERE FOR A SECOND? 

_ Gordon comes down the stairs, yawning- _

_ Yup, those are fangs. Those are definitely fangs.  _

GORDON: Hey, are we having a flat meeting? I dunno if I’m up to it, I’m- I’m still not doing so hot. 

TOMMY: Would anyone care to explain why Mr. Freeman is a vampire? 

TOMMY: Anyone? Anyone at all?

BENREY: got bit by a vampire at the party.

G-MAN: We tried to stop him. He was… too fantastic. 

TOMMY: Ugh…

TOMMY: Has anyone told him, at least??

GORDON: Told me what??

TOMMY: SERIOUSLY, YOU TWO?! 

BENREY: uuuuh oooooooops.

G-MAN: Our baaaad. 

TOMMY: Okay, Benrey… You better tell him now. 

_ Benrey sighs, cracking his knuckles. His eyes flash red again, as he claps once or twice to get Gordon’s attention.  _

BENREY: you, uh- you’re totally free from all my epic funny vampire tricks. 

GORDON: Vampire… what now…?

G-MAN: Wait- Benrey, did you undo  _ everything? _

BENREY: should i not have?

_ Gordon falls over onto the couch. _

GORDON: OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU’RE VAMPIRES HOW DID I NOT NOTICE. WHAT THE FUCK. 

_ Tommy shakes his head in disappointment.  _

BENREY: today is not my day. 

GORDON: Oh my god, you- did you fucking use your fucking- weirdass vampire mind powers on me?! What the hell, man?

BENREY: maybe a little. maybe.

GORDON: MAYBE??

BENREY: y’know g i don’t wanna tell him yet… you telling me was so cool we gotta make it special. 

G-MAN: You have a point… Benrey, Tommy, away with us. We have to prepare for the big reveal. 

_ G-man flips his cape, and the two of them turn into bats, as Tommy runs upstairs. _

GORDON: Guys? GUYS?? 

GORDON: WHERE ARE YOU GOING, I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS-

_ The lights turn out. _

GORDON:  **GUYS!**

GORDON: OH MY GOD IT’S DARK, OH MY GOD WHY CAN I SOMEWHAT SEE IN THE DARK, OH MY GOD, OH, FUCK, I’M GONNA FAINT, GUYS-?

_ A candle lights up in one corner of the room, and Benrey, in a wonderfully macabre red outfit, stands, holding a candelabra.  _

BENREY: bro, it’s the evening… the time for creatures of the night to emerge…

_ Another candle lights up, and G-man smirks, holding his cape in front of his face. _

G-MAN: Where those more powerful than mere mortals can comprehend… awaken. 

_ A third candle lights up, and a half-hearted Tommy is wearing an outfit totally uncharacteristic for him.  _

TOMMY: Those supernatural creatures… You’ve become one of them, dwellers of the night…

BENREY: A VAMPIRE, BRO! 

_ Gordon squeaks nervously.  _

_ The lights turn on. _

DARNOLD: Hey, y’all, what’re we doin’ in the dark? 

BENREY: oh, just inducting gordon into the world of vampires.

DARNOLD: Oh, you finally turned him?

G-MAN: Er- no, that was not us. No. It was a random vampire at a party. 

DARNOLD: I see. 

GORDON: Oh, this is too much. This is too much. Fuck. 

GORDON: How- You fucking FLOATED everywhere, how did I not SEE that?! SHIT! 

BENREY: i think he’s just kinda being frustrated right now. he’ll remember how cool vampires are in a second.

G-MAN: Certainly.

GORDON: You- Is Darnold a vampire??

DARNOLD: Nah, I’m just Darnold. 

GORDON: Cool. Cool cool cool. 

GORDON: I… I’m a vampire. 

GORDON: I’m a VAMPIRE.

GORDON: I’M A VAMPIRE! 

_ Gordon starts running around the room.  _

GORDON: HOLY SHIT, I’M A VAMPIRE! I’M INVINCIBLE! YEEEEAH! 

BENREY: told you. 

G-MAN: No, I was- I agreed with you. 

BENREY: oh. right.

GORDON: Oh, this is- this is horrible and amazing all at the same time, oh GOD I have to kill people, but I- I WANT to kill people? I think?

BENREY: you don’t gotta. you and me had bro moments, remember?

GORDON: Yeah, we DID, didn’t we? 

GORDON: You- You fuckin’ stole my blood!

BENREY: not a lot. 

BENREY: just like, a little. maybe. 

GORDON: Okay, so you can do it without- without killing people. Great.

G-MAN: It is a bit of… a hassle, without murder, but… yes. 

TOMMY: It’s- it’s not that much of a hassle, really… 

GORDON: ...I need to sit down.

_ Gordon sits down next to Benrey. _

GORDON: I have so many conflicting emotions right now.

BENREY: ‘s gonna be okay, dude. you have a couple’a experts on your side. you’ll get the hang of this in no time. 

GORDON: Do we… Do we burn in the sunlight?

BENREY: oh yeah. lots. uh, umbrellas do us nicely, except it’s kinda not worth the risk, cos. y’know. nocturnal.

GORDON: Right, yeah… Makes sense. 

GORDON: But, Tommy, I see you walking in the daylight all the time…

TOMMY: Uh, do you? Heh… 

_ The doorbell rings. _

BENREY: ...um.

_ Cut to Bubby and Coomer, who have a lone cameraman following them. _

BUBBY: Well, this is it. 

COOMER: The house of the vampires. 

BUBBY: Oh, what a hunt! What a wonderful hunt! 

_ Cut to inside the house. _

TOMMY: You- were we expecting guests…?

BENREY: not really no.

GORDON: What? It’s just someone at the door.

G-MAN: Mr. Freeman, we must… exercise caution. They could be  _ hunters. _

GORDON: Great! My first day of being a vampire and there’s already hunters! Fan-fucking-tastic! 

DARNOLD: Alright, calm down, everyone, I’ll answer it. They can’t crucifix a mortal to death.

TOMMY: You got this, Darnold…!

_ Cut to the hunters. _

COOMER: Oh, oh, here they come…

_ Cut to the vampires. _

DARNOLD: Opening the locks now…

_ Cut to the hunters. _

BUBBY: HYAH!-

_ Someone gets holy water splashed on them… _

_...Only for Forzen to shake it off like a dog. _

FORZEN: bruh.

BUBBY: ...Why aren’t you writhing in pain? 

COOMER: Yes, do we need to remind you how holy water works on vampires?

FORZEN: ...yeah, i’m not a vampire though?

BUBBY: That’s what they all say.

FORZEN: no, we’re- this is the house of a werewolf pack.

COOMER: ...Ahh.

BUBBY: Oh, that’s- this is embarrassing.

COOMER: You see, we assumed the secrecy and bloodstains implied vampires. Terribly sorry for the mistake!

FORZEN: oh, you guys are hunters, huh…

FORZEN: yeah. g’luck with that or whatever.

_ The door slams shut, and it cuts back to the vampires. _

PIZZA GUY: Large pepperoni?

DARNOLD: ...Thank you…?

GORDON: Oh, yeah… I ordered pizza before you guys told me I was a vampire, cos… Y’know. Hungry. 

ALL: Ohhhhhhhh! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know theres been a lot of updates but ive just been having so much fun writing!


	5. Clip 5: “Dinner”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon and Benrey go for a hunt.

GORDON: Good evening. My name’s Gordon Freeman, and I am...a vampire.

_ A dramatic chord strikes, as the camera zooms out to reveal he’s sitting in a bat-themed chair and wearing Victorian-styled clothes.  _

GORDON: ...Jeez, these itch. Hold on- 

_ Gordon gets up and leaves. Cut to Gordon sitting in the chair again, this time in his usual sweater and blazer.  _

GORDON: It’s been… Well, it’s been… different. I’ve had a bit of a hard time adjusting. 

_ The camera shifts curiously over to a giant oil painting of Gordon and Benrey posing seriously in fancy vampire clothes.  _

GORDON: That’s- Benrey had that commissioned. 

GORDON: He says he commissions paintings for all his greatest moments. 

GORDON: That one up there is him slaying a king.

GORDON: Him hypnotizing an entire theatre of people.

GORDON: Him trying his first Hot Pocket. 

GORDON: Y’know… Vampires get a really bad rep. Everyone’s always like ‘oh god, they’re monsters, why would you do this’, but, like, you UNDERSTAND when you’re on the other side… You get why they do that.

GORDON: Like.

GORDON: It’s only been a few days and I have contemplated eating all of you. 

_ There’s an uncomfortable silence. _

GORDON: Human food is- it’s FINE, but I don’t really need it anymore? And it- it doesn’t even taste great.

_ Cut to Gordon throwing a piece of pizza across the room and yelling in anger.  _

GORDON: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE FILLING, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!-

_ Cut back. _

GORDON: Uhh, let’s see. I haven’t seen the sun in days, but according to Tommy that’s a good thing, I had to- had to switch to the night shift at the library. 

_ Cut to Gordon standing in the corner of a park with a large, gothic umbrella. _

GORDON: I mean, I COULD go outside, but it makes me look like fucking Edgar Allan Poe.

_ Cut back. _

GORDON: I don’t feel like I have a cold anymore, but my hands are freezing, like, all the time. I like hanging upside-down, and the fangs are pretty cool...

GORDON: ...But other than that it’s been fine. 

GORDON: Uh, Benrey’s supposed to take me out for my first hunt today.

GORDON: As a tutor, he’s…

_ Cut to Gordon as a bat, crashing into a wall as Benrey falls over laughing. _

GORDON: He’s  _ okay.  _

GORDON: But I’d rather be with him than the G-man, I guess…

GORDON: And Tommy says Benrey got ‘first dibs’. 

_ Cut to Benrey running around in his room. _

BENREY: so today’s the big day. benrey’s epic vampire 101 for cool and inhuman gordons. 

BENREY: i’m so excited. i’m gonna get him like, vampire clothes, and we’re gonna do vampire stuff, and i can show him my favourite bat perches…

BENREY: we haven’t had a new vampire in the flat in ages, cos, uh, we’ve been the only three here. also including darnold.

BENREY: and tommy says no biting darnold. so we can’t bite him.

BENREY: i mean, he kinda said no biting gordon either, but…

_ Benrey inhales awkwardly.  _

BENREY: shit happens. 

_ Cut to Tommy, who’s reading the daily paper at the kitchen table. _

TOMMY: I’m still ignoring Benrey and my- my dad. I’m mad.

TOMMY: I mean, Gordon- Gordon’s a vampire now, I GUESS…

TOMMY: He doesn’t seem… TOO upset, but out of principle, I’m- I’m still ignoring them.

DARNOLD: It’s been an exciting time for all of us. Maybe in more ways than one! 

TOMMY: There goes our only other human housemate…

DARNOLD: Oh, I don’t mind. I have plenty of human friends outside the flat! Besides, it’s interesting to see- I mean, a brand new vampire? That’s a once in a lifetime opportunity!

DARNOLD: There’s gotta be a certain majesty… in becoming a supernatural creature.

TOMMY: He tripped over the cape Benrey had him try on at least 5 times today.

DARNOLD: Majestic!

_ Tommy sighs as Darnold starts scribbling stuff down in a notebook excitedly.  _

_ Some older music from a record player kicks up, as it cuts to Benrey showing Gordon some different outfits. _

_ Gordon shakes his head at each. _

BENREY: ooooh you wanna wear matching outfits with your best bro benreyy-

GORDON: Knock it off, Benrey. Vampires can’t hypnotize eachother.

GORDON: ...Right? That’s not a thing you can do? 

GORDON: Benrey??

_ Benrey grins and doesn’t answer. _

GORDON: You are the worst fucking teacher ever. 

_ He puts on a jacket, heading out, as Benrey quickly runs after him. _

_ Cut to the two of them walking on a street at night. _

BENREY: so, uh, real tricky part about going hunting is that- ‘s that everyone’s already starting to go to bed.

BENREY: and, y’know, we can’t break in, cos… gotta be invited.

GORDON: Not that I’d condone breaking and entering in the first place!

BENREY: drama queen. 

GORDON: So we look for like… clubs and shit?

BENREY: yeah, pretty much. or people stupid enough to go walking at night.

GORDON: But… I liked walking at night…

BENREY: i mean- uh- cool and smart people who go walking at night. 

GORDON:  _ scoff  _ Nice save.

BENREY: thanks! 

BENREY: -oh, oh, look, there’s a guy on a bench. nice and easy.

_ Benrey starts to go forward, but Gordon won’t budge. _

BENREY: ...this is the part where we go drink that guy’s blood.

GORDON: Mmmm…

GORDON: But he’s  _ cute…  _

_ Benrey groans. _

BENREY: well we don’t gotta KILL him!!

GORDON: But I feel bad…

BENREY: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH fine. 

BENREY: ‘kayyy, let’s see who else… some guy lookin’ at his phone- HA. walked into a pole.

GORDON: ...He works!

GORDON: ...Hold on, though, I wanna get that guy’s number real quick-

BENREY: VAMPIRE ATTACK GO

_ Benrey yanks Gordon away from the camera, and the cameramen make a very impromptu chase. _

BENREY: OKAY CAMERA-PEOPLE ARE YOU WATCHING? THIS IS HOW YOU SUCK A GUY’S BLOOD.

GORDON: WAIT, WHAT?! NO, MAN, YOU GOTTA FUCKING WARN ME!-

BENREY: DINNER TIME!!

_ One of the cameramen drops the camera by accident, it skidding around nauseatingly and landing under a street lamp. Eventually, someone picks it up, getting some blood on the lens. _

_ Benrey smiles, blood on his face. _

BENREY: dude.

BENREY: gordon’s going nuts.

BENREY: gordoooo! don’t kill him! i mean, you can, but i know you didn’t wanna! 

_ Gordon hisses from offscreen. _

BENREY: okay, man, okay, it’s whatever. 

BENREY: so. uh. this is the life of a vampire!

_ Benrey awkwardly gives a thumbs-up, wiping some blood off his face. _

BENREY: mm. blood good.

_ Gordon comes back onto the camera, hair mussed up and even bloodier than Benrey. _

GORDON: Holy shit.

GORDON: That was- that was the best thing I’ve ever experienced. Hooooly fuck.

GORDON: Is- wow. I don’t remember blood being that good.

BENREY: did you kill him??

GORDON: Oh, crap, be right back.

_ Gordon bolts off, and you can hear some panicked fabric rustling. _

_ Gordon comes back, stuffing some gauze in his pocket. _

GORDON: WE’RE GOOD!

BENREY: Lame.

GORDON: NOT murdering people is not lame. It is COOL and AWESOME.

BENREY: no i think it’s lame.

GORDON: YOU-!!

BENREY: pff- thought you were just cranky cos you were hungry.

BENREY: i was wrooooong~

GORDON: I’m not cranky! I’m just grappling with the reality that, y’know, I’m a fucking VAMPIRE!

GORDON: WHICH ISN’T SOMETHING I EVER THOUGHT I’D SAY!!

BENREY: man, calm down.

BENREY: here. i got an idea that’ll cheer you up.

GORDON: Oh?

BENREY: i’ll teach you how to use epic vampire magic! eh? ehhhh? c’mon, where’s that smiiile?

_ Gordon looks at the camera. He’s unimpressed.  _

BENREY: no no no it gets better. i’m gonna teach you vampire magic… and we are going to GET you that guy’s NUMBER.

GORDON: This feels unethical.

BENREY: no it’s very ethical. vampires don’t GOT ethics, it’s okay.

GORDON: But-!

BENREY: if you worry about rules all the time you’re gonna worry yourself to undeath, bro. to unDEATH.

GORDON: Fine, I’ll play along. Only because I guess it would be… useful to know.

BENREY: okay cool. cameraguys, you better be following. it’s about to get craaaazy. 

GORDON: I don’t like the sound of THAT!

_ Benrey ushers Gordon back near the bench. _

BENREY: okay. so. here goes. so you want somethin’, right? you want it so bad. you gotta think about that. think about what you wanna do, then order that fool around.

BENREY: are you following me.

GORDON: Absolutely not.

BENREY: UUUUUGH, it’s just-

BENREY: trust me, man. you know how to do it. just ask him for his number but like, be assertive about it.

GORDON: Okay. Here we go. 1, 2, 3, GORDON!

_ He walks over. _

GORDON: Er- hi, sir. Do you maybeee… wanna give me your phone number? Like, right now?

_ The man looks up. He’s quiet for a few seconds, but he laughs. _

BARNEY: Comin’ on a little strong, aren’t ya? I mean, we’ve only just met. I’d be happy to talk a little though, while you’re here!

GORDON: Uh-

BARNEY: You know, a lot of people say it’s dangerous to go out at night. Me, personally, I find it pretty invigorating. And, uh, some doctors did a study a while back, they say that walkin’ at night improves your mental health- not that I really need that, no, I’m doing just fine myself- I mean, workplaces should have that initiative for mental health, but-

_ The camera clatters to the floor.  _

BENREY: ...o.

BENREY: yo!

BENREY: this thing’s still recording- but what the fuck, everyone’s sleeping??

BENREY: why didn’t that work? where’s that guy anyways?-

GORDON: Ugh… Morning, Benrey. Took a- a quick power nap. On the floor.

BENREY: man, the floor’s dirty… don’t do that…

GORDON: Did I do it?

BENREY: uh, no. you failed. someone sucks at being a vampire.

BENREY: do you get it.

BENREY: sucks.

BENREY: cos- cos we’re-

GORDON: Fucking- Yes. I get it.

BENREY: niiiiice.

_ He helps Gordon up, as Gordon dusts himself off. _

BENREY: s’okay man. you’ll get it next time.

GORDON: Hell no! I’m getting it right now!

GORDON: YOU! Give me your phone number!

_ His eyes flash red as he points to the sound manager, who hands him a slip of paper. He takes it. _

BENREY: dude. overkill.

GORDON: ...I don’t even want this.

BENREY: drama for no reason… spoken like a true vampire.

GORDON: BENREY!

BENREY: heh. okay, last lesson of the night. being a bat is quick and easy.

BENREY: i mean, you’ve done it before, but you’ll wanna do it in a pinch.

BENREY: watch this.

BENREY: BAT!

_ He yells for no reason, hopping a little before he turns into a bat. He squeaks some orders to Gordon. _

GORDON: Dude, you’re a bat, I can’t understand you.

_ Benrey squeaks angrily. _

GORDON: Okay, okay, my turn, I guess…

_ He concentrates, and does a little hop in the air. Nothing. _

_ You get the feeling Benrey is laughing. _

GORDON: Fuck you!

_ He turns into a bat, and the two of them fly off, Gordon chasing angrily after Benrey. _

SOUND MANAGER: …

SOUND MANAGER: Call me…!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE BARNEY MOMENT... bonus points to who knows what’s up with him :) also thank you guys for all the support!!


	6. Clip 6: "Neighbors"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone new moves in and Benrey doesn't like it.

BARNEY: Heya. Name’s Barney Calhoun.

BARNEY: And I’m an energy vampire.

_ Cut to Barney talking to an older coworker, who seems bored out of his mind. _

BARNEY: So, regular vampires? They get their sustenance from draining blood. That’s not really my style.

BARNEY: Us energy vampires? We drain  _ energy.  _ I rope ‘em in with a boring conversation aaand… Boom.

_ Barney walks away, smirking towards the camera as his unfortunate coworker passes out on the desk.  _

BARNEY: Today’s the day I finally move into my new neighborhood! It was my roomies’ idea, of course- Eli had to move for work.

BARNEY: But there’s a fun little bonus for me-

BARNEY: Nobody knows me yet.

BARNEY: So, uh, y’know. Bon appetit, am I right?

_ He gives the camera an awkward thumbs up.  _

_ The angle changes to reveal someone looking at Barney from inside their window. He’s watering flowers and talking to someone on the street, who collapses after a short while. _

_ The camera pans back to reveal Darnold, who turns to look at them. _

DARNOLD: So we’ve got a new neighbor.

DARNOLD: He’s been pretty… controversial around the house. 

DARNOLD: Me, Benrey and the G-man figured out pretty quick that he’s an energy vampire, but…

_ Cut to Tommy, Gordon and Barney all having coffee. Tommy and Gordon have fallen fast asleep. Gordon lets go of his umbrella and starts sizzling, and wakes up screaming. _

DARNOLD: Others weren’t so lucky. 

DARNOLD: I told Tommy that energy vampires were baaad news, cos, y’know, they gotta eat to live, and that means draining people constantly, but he didn’t listen.

_ He sighs, but smiles. _

DARNOLD: Though I guess Tommy’s never been one to believe in vampire rules. 

DARNOLD: I’m just… doin’ a little peoplewatching while I wait for the others to get up.

DARNOLD: I think I’d like more friends in my time zone, but… Daywalkers drain. 

_ Music on the record player keeps playing as it fades throughout both Darnold and Barney’s daily routines- Barney says hi to Eli and Kleiner over lunch, he and Alyx take the dog out for a walk, he hangs out in the park and bores a bunch of strangers, he puts an alien bumper sticker on his car… Meanwhile, Darnold cooks, cleans, plants a kiss on Tommy’s coffin, and… writes. _

_ He writes a lot. _

DARNOLD: I’m a paranormal researcher, actually. 

DARNOLD: To be honest, I kinda applied for rent here to get some intel, but… Me and Tommy just hit it off real well.

DARNOLD: I think a lot of people get the impression I’m a familiar, or I’m only here to help the vampires.

DARNOLD: Nah. They’re here to help me. I don’t do any of their chores. 

DARNOLD: Y’know, one time I had to frame some butterflies, n’ Tommy helped. I always thought vampires to be so selfish.

DARNOLD: ...Well, I guess Benrey’s kinda very selfish. So maybe Tommy’s the outlier.

_ The clock strikes, and a bunch of crows go flying off the house’s roof- it’s evening. _

_ Cut to Benrey kicking the door open, hovering ominously on the driveway and sneering. _

BENREY: hello,  _ neighbor. _

BARNEY: Heya!

_ He leans on the fence. _

BARNEY: I like the cape, neighbor. Very in-season. You ever try out trench coats? They’re flowy like capes, but so much more cozy… y’know, since you bloodsuckers always have such cold hands.

_ Benrey yawns, and growls, zipping over to the fence. _

BENREY: we’re cold cos we’re UNDEAD and AWESOME unlike you ENERGY VAMPIRES.

BARNEY: Hey, no need for the hostility, partner! 

BARNEY: Unless… you’re cranky cos you just woke up?

BARNEY: I can’t relate, of course. Heh. 

BENREY: SHUT THE FUCK-

_ Gordon walks past the cameras. _

GORDON: What’s all the noise? Benrey, why the hell are you yelling at our nice new neighbor?

BARNEY: Hey, Gordon.

GORDON: Hey.

BENREY: he keeps RUINING all my FOOD. 

GORDON: Wh- that’s ridiculous. Barney is NOT!

BENREY: what if i put anchovies on your human-pizza. what then, huh.

GORDON: Eugh, GROSS! And scraping them off wouldn’t even help cos it- it has an AFTERTASTE-

GORDON: Ahh.

GORDON: -Wait, but Barney’s a human! How could he possibly-

BARNEY: Oh, didn’t Benrey tell you? I’m an energy vampire! 

GORDON: And that’s…

BARNEY: ...Jeez, y’really ARE new to this. 

BENREY: shut your ups. BOTH of you. YOU need to stay out of our TERRITORY. 

BARNEY: I mean, technically it’s my territory too, now that I live here…

BENREY: I WAS HERE FIRST!

GORDON: Okay, guys, I’m sure there’s some sort of good-natured way to solve this, maybe we can talk this out like- 

BENREY: I CHALLENGE YOU TO A VAMP-OFF, MOTHERFUCKER.

_ Barney is stunned into silence. _

_ Cut to the group at a banquet hall, where some macabre accordion music is playing. Benrey is having a… “conversation” with the owner, Tommy and Darnold are running around and playing hide-and-seek, and Gordon is working on some flyers in the background. G-man is speaking to the camera with chagrin. _

G-MAN: A… vamp-off is a VERY sacred tradition in vampire culture. It is for two vampires who feel as if they are… sworn enemies, and must fight to ensure the victor’s… honour.

G-MAN: Benrey has just called it because he… found our new neighbor to be…  _ annoying. _

_ He puts his head in his hands and groans. _

_ Cut to Benrey, who has a concerning amount of blood on his face. _

BENREY: there was like, a total drought of vamp-offs near the early 1900s, cos like, someone said being a vamp was bein’ a sexy lady. so everyone showed up for sexy ladies and got their blood drained instead.

BENREY: i mean, food’s food n’ all, but the confusion got annoying. 

BENREY: anyways, i got everyone workin’, and we’ve got a pretty foolproof plan to bring some mortals in as bait.

_ The camera zooms in on a sign behind Benrey which reads “FREE PIZZA”.  _

BENREY: totally foolproof.

BENREY: so we’re- we’re luring the mortals in because me and barney are gonna see who can drain people the fastest. 

BENREY: and i’ll obviously win.

BENREY: obviously. 

_ The banquet hall gets filled very quickly with guests, all of them clamoring excitedly for pizza. _

_ The camera looks up to a balcony, where Darnold and Alyx appear to be sharing a mic. _

DARNOLD: Folks, this is looking to be a great turnout for what may be our first Vamp-Off in a while! 

ALYX: I’ll say! I think the pizza should be coming out soon, too.

_ They snicker to themselves.  _

_ Pan down to Barney and Benrey, who are doing warmup stretches.  _

DARNOLD: And our competitors are looking SO fierce! True creatures of the night! 

ALYX: Well, maybe not Barney. He looks about the same.

DARNOLD: He does. 

ALYX: Alright, looks like Darnold’s weird landlord is getting ready to start… We’ve got everyone in two excited lines here, folks…

G-MAN: BEGIN.

DARNOLD: Benrey, off to a strong start! Ahh, but it appears his biting with wild abandon has, in fact, started a panic on his side!

ALYX: Looks like Barney’s got everyone so invested in his story about hummus that nobody notices.

_ Someone from Benrey’s side runs over to Barney’s with a scream, causing the whole side to notice the chaos. _

ALYX: I spoke too soon! 

ALYX: Jeez, it’s going nuts down there…

DARNOLD: Gordon’s hard at work on the scoreboard. So’s Tommy. Looks like Benrey’s taken the lead! 

ALYX: Yeah, no duh. Can’t really have a conversation when someone’s running around trying to drink peoples’ blood.

DARNOLD: Looks like Barney’s doin’ his best, though!

ALYX: Ooh, update from the other side, Benrey’s now got 80% of his clothes drenched in blood. Also most of the venue!

DARNOLD: I do NOT pity the guy who’s gotta clean this up. 

ALYX: It’s starting to look like a cranberry bog in here.

DARNOLD: Or a mishap at the Kool-Aid factory.

ALYX: Okay, looks like most people have either passed out from blood loss or boredom… and the competitors are neck and neck. 

DARNOLD: Oh, looks like Benrey has it in the bag!-

_ The two of them get interrupted by Barney shouting at them about the etiquette of golf games. _

ALYX: ...God dammit, Barney-

_ The both of them fall to the floor with a thud, and the camera whirls around to reveal…! _

_ The scoreboard got knocked over in the chaos. _

BENREY: does.

BENREY: does that mean we tied.

BARNEY: Er… Guess we did. 

_ Both of them get enveloped by a large shadow. _

_ Looks like G-Man’s angry. _

_ Cut to both of them, looking pretty beat-up, Benrey’s cape being crooked and Barney’s tie being undone. _

BENREY: so uh.

BARNEY: We’ve come to a compromise.

BARNEY: I’ll find a job WAY downtown, maybe Kleiner’s got some ideas, and that way I’m out during the day… And when I come back for the night…

BENREY: he’ll find a bunch of fuckin’ people who’re sittin’ around confused and need directions or maybe first aid.

BARNEY: It’s a win-win! 

BENREY: finally. vampire solidarity. 

BENREY: now, uh. excuse us.

BENREY: ...gman’s making me clean up my mess. 

BENREY: unless…  _ you  _ wanna do it for me?

_ Benrey’s eyes flash red, and he grins, holding out a broom. _

BARNEY: _ Benrey! _

_ Benrey hides the broom behind his back sheepishly. _

BENREY: whaaat?

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BARNEY BARNEY BARNEY BARNEY... HI KING <3 also happy spooky month!


End file.
